Tides & Currents

Ripened Desire. His love ran down my chin like juice from the pomegranate. I savoured every seed, looked up to see his ecstasy, syrupy sweet. When we locked eyes, we threw away all keys. I swear his gaze alone could bring me to my knees. A graze of my hand along the side of his neck, that was pretty much all it took to set his soul at ease. That kind of power is deadly, dangerous. When the pull is so strong that all resistance becomes weak. I would run to him now, but I’m not prepared to bleed. I only have a few more lives left in me. I’d be damned if I stay, damned if leave. So leave me right where I stand, don’t call out to me. All the memories I hold on to, where do I put them down? The bass of his voice, can I rid myself of the sound? The mischief of his smile and the furrow of his brow. Shit, I even romanticised the downward curl of his frown. The tides and currents we made. Happy to be a drop in his ocean. It’s my greatest strength and my worse vice. The way I studied him. To replay every conversation like a never ending melody. To still feel the warmth of his skin on bed sheets. Sights and Sounds, I can never forget. The Taste, Touch , Smell of someone I swore saw the human in my being. Martyrdom in the name of potential love, the only sacrifice both binding and freeing. Teach me to let it all go. Sweep it all away.

Reflections

9:37 pm. I’m alone

The call has just ended

With unresolved silence

From my side of the dial

Tone deaf and dumb

An uncertainty lingers

In the air from her

‘Goodbye, I love you, speak soon.’

Naturally I deal with these

Uncomfortable moments

Where I’m left with nothing

But self reflection and a

Dead battery the only way

I know how.

Cherry red lips

And a swivel of gloss

Stains the rim.

No drop will be left to

It’s lonesome tonight

There’s a Red Sea inside of me

Waiting to be parted

I dissolve into despondency

Inebriated therapy .

There are mistakes that I’ve made,

Risks that’s I’ve taken,

Sins I still seek atonement for,

And decisions I refuse to face

All screaming in

Harmonious discord

Why did I let it get this far?

If a sixth sense exists, and

A woman’s intuition is God

Then I have denounced both,

My own personal Judas.

Didn’t listen to my heart

Did what I was expected

Paralysed by parental pressure

When it was time to speak my truth

My backbone bent

Not strong enough to withstand

The commodity of my youth.

So they all laughed .

Laughs turned to horror

Horror turned scowls of disgust

Disgust to confusion

They must’ve thought me delirious.

When the jokes not so funny anymore,

‘Oh, she’s serious?’

Voices sink like quicksand.

People really look like places

When you’re lost.

A man can look like a home

When you think you have none .

Hollow inside

I allowed many to take up residence

Not even dead presidents

Could pay off the debts they raised

Imagine me, Almost 23.

And I thought I’d ruined my life

Thought I spoke up too late

Ran when the timing wasn’t quite right

A trail of breadcrumbs left

Still waiting on the mice

To take it all away,

Conceal my misguided steps

I was waiting for days, weeks ,

Months, a year later

And still left there standing

Still hoping to salvage my self before expiry

Eyes cast to the heavens thinking

Man, God must be tired of me.

Gave me so many exit plans

I stood dumbfounded at every door

Looking for ways out

Drawing circles on the floor

When momma hang up the phone

I didn’t know what to say anymore

Didn’t know my future

Didn’t know what I was doing

I let him change my name

Left to ruin

As if it made me any more of a woman

Signed my independence away

Blood stained calligraphy.

They say a man who finds a wife

Finds a beautiful thing,

But I wasn’t ready

So his blessing became my curse

Final chapter written in cursive

Open Endings still uncertain.

I can never really explain

Just how much it hurt,

Still I managed to claw my way

Through the dirt.

Sometimes the pain comes back to visit

Like an old time friend

Reminding me, Never. Never again.

If life was a lucid dream

I would’ve woken way sooner

Changed the narrative

Traveled the nine circles of hell

And bought back my soul

…Just 22 years old.

I’d tell her don’t slow down

It’s only just begun.

The Walk

I haven’t just yet.

But I’ve figured it out. And amidst all my worry and doubt a sense of relief lies buried beneath the rubble. Relief in the inevitable or what I deem to be decided. So much could be solved if I simply speak. If I articulated what I felt instead of waiting for words to fall into my lap. I feel the shift. The change in energy, and the looming threat of separation like a candle in the wind. I know it’s a matter of my own doing. I want you to speak, but who am I to demand expectation. The lingering thoughts in your mind, the content of your heart, all your senses and sensibilities, are yours to share, not mind to demand. Besides, I want you to want to. To reveal, confide and confess on your own accord. Because you feel safe with me. Because you find consolation in our minds interweaved. A knot in the thread is the only thing that seals. Let me be transparent, I’ll stop making excuses. I know my diversion can be worse than hubris. Sometimes I shy away from conversation, afraid of losing the illusion of control. Control of my fears, desires, secrets. Control of my philosophy, interests, taboos. I say it’s because I don’t want them to consume you. In part, that is quite true. Really, I fear that you’ll contain me. Whether you want to or not. There are depths behind your eyes that I can’t quite reach, but I feel them as if I’m slowly drifting into the deep. And with every glance in my direction that current is felt. I can tell you’re not like everyone else. So I hide behind base level vanities to shield my fragility. Deep conversations breed vulnerability. I know you want to go beyond the surface, ironically I want the same. My countenance may say otherwise, but really it’s all a foolish game. There’s much more to this, it’s worth the try. If it means I must lay aside my pride, then I’ll throw down my armour and look you in the eyes. No distractions, aversions of glance. I’m ready to talk if you’d still like to hear. Let’s go for a walk, you can lend me your ear.

O(h).

Oh I feel ravenous.

I lay myself in front of you

Ready for siege

My defences are down

And I prefer it that way

Ready to be conquered

Ready to please

Spread wide as far as the eye can see,

You survey the land so perfectly.

I wonder to myself,

How can I be so deep?

You’re far too good at digging

The harvests that you reap

Sewn by every seed,

These threads are now undone

I’m bursting at the seams.

It’s getting late

And the symphony still plays on

Your pen is mighty powerful

The way you write these songs

Penance for my sins

You could right my every wrong

Iron firm grip around the reigns

I have no choice but to ride along.

I love to play,

He’s so good at games.

He loves a wild woman,

I love how he tames.

But he’s always prepared to reignite the Flame

Just in time for

me to send

down the

Rain.

Colour Theory

he speaks in colours

and he goes to my head.

tender yet brute

his touch paints me red

leaves my skin burgundy,

true premier cru,

a man so gentle

somehow so cruel.

when I’m waiting by the phone

his silence stains shades of blue.

and I fade into grey

the saddest hue,

if only he knew,

if only he knew.

I long for his embrace

like the perfect brew

warm brown arms

to keep me grounded

firmly in place

entangled at the root.

I give you my eyes

to travel through,

a sunset haze to gaze into

for you I’ll be an orange moon.

let down your walls

trust and believe,

here in my room you’ll

find your peace.

just lay your head upon

my chest,

fields of green

where you may rest.

Doubtful Reverie

I hoped you’d take me home.

Usually I’d never be so blunt

About my expectations for fear

Of that double edged sword called

Rejection.

But hiding my intention

Has proven to benefit

All but I. See,

I can only steal so

Many glances, head on a

Swivel when you look my

Direction, before I fall off the

Edge of my seat.

Truth is a captive held

back by ivory bars

Of gritted teeth

And too much pride.

I want you.

I’ll never admit it.

Never really been one

At a loss for words but

What can I say?

You create in me double entendres.

Just a thought that

Perhaps you felt the same ,

There was a light in

Your eyes that I

Couldn’t quite gauge

Do I cast out my

Hopeful Net? Let you

Catch the bait or

Talk to your friend

Who’s enamoured by me

And just play it safe?

I wish I could go back in time.

I think I’ve said too much.

Giuseppe

If it be possible to

fall in love with a voice,

Well today I’ve done just that.

He echoed through the room

A silk serenade to my eager ears

He sent me a recording

My thumb broke the rewind

I longed to hear him speak

One more time,

Yes, one more time.

He  went off to sleep

His goodnight my lullaby

So in my dreams

I told him to speak

One more time

One more time.

The Grand Optimist

 

With youthful merriment

I have dared to tread

Waters unknown to man.

Countless times amongst the waves

I watched my dreams

In the distance

Armed with ardour

And a lover’s zeal

I knew they’d come to fruition.

A grand optimist of sorts,

From infancy I pledged

I’d aspire to greater things

Like they always say you should,

Sacrifice my heart and pride

Work toward the greater good.

Look how times have changed my friend

How sentiments wash away,

I wouldn’t dare lift a hand

Disturb my permanence

For a fleeting moment

Or brief epiphany.

To watch it fail yet once again

A burden I cannot bear

I’d rather live a life confined

To a comfort zone of fear.

I apologise for my jarring tone

and melancholy notes

When life reaps enough disappointment

You too will sing such songs.

 

“What did I do? What did I do?
What did I do? Tell me, what did I do to be so black and blue?”

Some Dreams Should Be Left Deferred.

The spark seared its way

With a vengeance,

And the thing came to life

In my hands.

Crawling beneath eager palms

Poking out through

Flesh and bone

It sprung onto my lap

Like a monster out the mire.

 

He asked to be branded.

To be stamped with

His saviours approval

But oh!

I loathed the sight

Of my bastard creation.

Punished him with a

Father’s silence.

Left him to watch my

Form fade into the distance.

Son’s first rejection.

 

I woke the next day

Head in my Hands,

And  his gaze

Frozen to memory

With icy indignation.

My dreams have

All been

Laid to

Rest.

 

Concrete Songs of Melancholy

These streets are as wild as

The natives heart.

We  watch the city

Change like the fleeting hour

The morning smell of

Coffee and cigarettes

Complements the businessman’s scowl

Felt from a mile away.

 

Do you know how it feels

To be constantly lost in

A sea of faces?

A part of the culture

Yet invisible to Man.

Lonely in this

Mosaic of life.

 

Until you find a rose creeping out of the concrete.